if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
That's not a current picture, because if you look deep enough into my eyes you can still see morals. Not these days.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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