captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize