can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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