great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
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