i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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