I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
