you proceeded to suck on ur pinkie saying it reminded you of chris and you wanted him badly
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
My ATM looks so different sober.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
