So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
