I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I'm not sure where but someone shit somewhere in the house
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
