Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I think i sorta joined a cult last night
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Randomize
