Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
I can feel your judgement through the phone
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
Randomize
