i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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