I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
