Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize