I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize