Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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