Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
Randomize