I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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