If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
