now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
so hungover. idk whos house or comp im on
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
