She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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