Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
