I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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