I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
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