Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Randomize
