Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
