I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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