I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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