True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Randomize
