It was confusing and full of hummus
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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