When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
