The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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