I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
his roommates stood outside the locked door reading bible verses to us the whole time...
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
doing a bong hit while wearing crest white strips...not such a great idea...
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
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