I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
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