Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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