i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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