I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
He is an equal opportunity slut.
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
