Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Randomize
