after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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