I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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