walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
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