My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
Randomize
