my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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