all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Randomize
