In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Randomize
