im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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