Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
