genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
