i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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