Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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