I need to stop coming to work sober
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Randomize
