So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
two words: eviction party
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Suppose hypothetically u received a request for face time communication with a gentleman who looked astonishingly like a penis. Would you indulge him in conversation? Hypothetically of course.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
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