You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
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