omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
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