so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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