He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
I vaguely remember chanting "USA" at the pool when we were talking to the Frenchies.
We were pointing at fat people and chanting USA.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
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