plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Randomize
