so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I wasn’t trying to be creepy it just happened
I’m beginning to think that’s your defining personality trait.
Randomize
