I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
