just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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