Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
She even gives head with a lisp.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
