That was rough. We had a 50% puke rate and 100% still drunk rate at lunch
I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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