I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
time to smoke my breakfast
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
