This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
