Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Will you skip merrily into hell with me?
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
PANTIES FOUND
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