Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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