Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Randomize
